"ONENESS in Marriage" What does it really mean?

A BIBLICAL VIEW OF ONENESS IN MARRIAGE

I want to preface these thoughts with a couple of statements.  The first is that this subject, as with all things godly, is interwoven with everything else, in that, biblical principle has common threads that apply and connect if we look for the connections. Secondly, though it is hard as a human to NOT put in an opinion, we should not lean on our own understanding of any subject, (Proverbs 3:5-6) but delve into the word to solve all our questions and issues.  God did not leave us alone here.  He is HERE and has left us the Holy Spirit and His Word.

I always pray to grow. I hope I HAVE grown from the first post to now.  I pray for godly wisdom.  With each post I am driven to write for one reason or another, so with passion often comes things that are driven by emotion.  I want these words to be godly and driven by my love for God.  I study and re-study things, but if I write anything that you can find is wrong from scripture I want to know!  Thank you!

I wish there were more topics like this, and ones I plan to write on, were preached on thoroughly so that all could have help in times of trouble. YES, we all can go to scripture, but not everyone does, and so, from the pulpit may be the only way some will hear.  I know many who wait for years for sermons that may help their marriages in a safe way. It is my fervent prayer that we will hear things on tough subjects from the pulpit.  We have an excellent example in Paul, as just one example, who preached to all the members about what was happening in their congregations...tough things...Read
1 Corinthians 5 and 1 Thessalonians 4.  He did not shrink in his speech to them.

 

You have probably seen Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." It is one of the scriptures folks have used in my experience to explain, or say we are one flesh when we marry.  BUT, what does that actually mean? What does it look like to be one with a spouse in every day life? In my own experience my husband and I have disagreed on this subject.  I say we disagreed, but in truth, I'm not sure either of us really understood what the other thought...this has inspired me to study oneness from a godly perspective.

Let's start with just ONENESS itself.  Let's start with the Godhead.  Three distinct individuals with three different purposes, but they are all one.  John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word (Jesus), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (The Holy spirit is the third being that makes up the Godhead.) The Holy Spirit first appears in Genesis 1:2.  They are all part of the One, but they all have their own roles. Again, Jesus says in John 10:30 "I and the Father are one." This shows me that being one doesn't mean loosing identity as an individual.

We as the church are a body of believers.  Baptized believers.  We all have our own separate identities and talents, but we are called to be one together.  What does this mean?  1 Corinthians 12:13 "For in ONE spirit we were all baptized into ONE body - Jews or Greeks, slaves or free - and all were made to drink of ONE Spirit."  Ephesians 4:5 "One Lord, one faith, one baptism."  ONE seems to be a theme here...What does this mean?  1 Peter 3:8 " Finally, ALL of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind."  We are to be of one mind.  Our minds working together toward a common goal.  Philipians 2:2 Paul is talking to the church at Philippi "fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind" listen to the very next verse, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." Not only does he explain what kind of oneness we should have as a body of Christ, but he describes what it is as well as what it isn't. Romans 14:19 "So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding." Romans 15:16 "That together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Romans 12:5 "So we though many, are ONE body in Christ (our binding agent), and individually members one of another." Again, we have distinct persons, but are called to think alike, to be one in Christ.

We are called to have perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14 "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." HARMONY -I see descriptors like: simultaneous; any parallel narratives which present a continuous narrative text; things that go together well (which would speak to a common purpose as in a godly relationship).

And Ephesians 4:1-6 "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with ALL humility (this is not self serving) and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism;  one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

ONE...ONENESS...

Oneness in marriage will hold the same components.  Oneness has been described and illustrated in the scriptures above.  As a married couple we have made a covenant with God.  A covenant with God is binding and cannot be broken except for things that God has deemed powerful or damaging enough to break it.  Death being one, and going outside of marriage to another party is another.  It is a strong thing to be married and have God as the head of both.

There is a difference between a contract and a covenant.  The main differences I studied are:

CONTRACT: Legally binding; agreement between parties; you can opt out; invalid when one of the parties violates it; parties exchanging something equally valuable to the other; mutually beneficial...and so on

COVENANT: a spiritual agreement; a pledge; remains in tact even if the other does not hold up his/her end; a perpetual promise; you seal a covenant; and so on 

Marriage is not an exchange of services.  

A contract can be agreed upon in secret but a marriage must be entered into with a public oath in front of witnesses.

A covenant rests on the concept of a power higher than man which gives proper authority to carry out any particular end that the covenant is seeking to attain.

When a couple is married, they are not simply joined as "allies" or "friends", they are joined together as one and society is obliged to recognize that they are one.

Being one with someone does not mean you are loosing your identity as a separate person.  It is not being a drone; 1 of 2.  It DOES, however, mean that you no longer should think of yourself first.  It DOES mean that there is a union that is more important than a selfish desire you may have.  IF you want to do something that would hurt your spouse and in turn hurt your union; your marriage; then that is not ok.  Really, it should be no different as a Christian who should never let their personal liberties hurt another of their brothers and sisters. Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves." It is called letting go of selfishness. Isn't that what we should be as humans anyway?
Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." 

Matthew 19:5-6 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore  what God has joined together, let man not separate." When my husband and I were about to be married my parents talked to us together and made the point that "let man not separate" referred to each of us as well.  We are not to separate each other!  Good point!


I read somewhere that oneness in marriage has been compared to a pair of scissors:  two components joined never to be separated.  Scissor blades frequently go in different directions, but they are most powerful when coming together. NOTE that if one blade is broken or damaged the whole scissor does not work any longer.

I found an article written by Dennis Rainey who wrote for Family Life  that I want to share a bit from. 

There are 3 foundational components of oneness in marriage:

1. Wisdom in marriage:  it means we respond to circumstances according to God's design.  One of the most critical issues a husband and wife must settle in their life together is:  WHO will be the builder of our marriage?  In Psalm 127:1 we read "Unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor in vain." Make sure the builder of the home is not "self".

2. Understanding:  A oneness in marriage needs understanding. Understanding means responding to life's circumstances with insight.  A perspective that looks at life through God's eyes.  Understanding builds oneness by establishing the relationship on a foundation of common insight.

3. Knowledge:  A oneness marriage needs knowledge.  Information without application is an empty effort.

The Bible says it best.  Proverbs 24:3-4 "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms ae filled with all precious and pleasant riches." 

It has been said in almost everything I've read and studied that the number one problem in every marriage is self-centerdness.  There is no biblical example that shows us that thinking of self first is a way to oneness in ANY relationship, but especially marriage.

We are taught in Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." 

What I come away with is this.  One flesh is two individuals coming together through mutual respect and submission (not to take away from the husband being head of the family as that is another study) and without selfishness working together for the common goal of loving and serving God and doing everything possible to help each other to heaven. And to take as many with them through their efforts as possible I might add!

I want to add one final statement that really could and should be another study by itself.  When I was single for many years, I felt lost that many sermons on relationships only talked about the marriage relationship. I want to add that when two people are working together and forming a relationship that is working towards eventual marriage these principles apply as well.  A man or woman of character should always BE the type of person that is described in the marriage relationship.  Character describes a person who does the right thing whether anyone sees him/her or not.  IF you are working within godly parameters in life, then a relationship before marriage should be held in the same way. There is no such thing as being one way before and quickly switching into a godly way of thinking after.  Please be careful in this thinking.

This is by no means totally comprehensive, but an overview to get us primed for a deeper and deeper study and walk with God.

As always I want to say "God Bless" you in your walk with God and with your spouse or intended!