Psalm 11:5 "The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, He hates with a passion." God hates violence. We hate violence. There are many forms of violence. Would you think threats of violence would fall into this category? INTENT to: hit, create fear of, control, and hurt in any way is a violence of spirit and mind and sometimes, body.
James 1:19-20 " My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
We are called to be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry," Why do you think we are not to let the sun go down on our anger? the next verse says it "and do not give the devil a foothold.…". Staying angry is dynamite for people embroiled in an abusive situation. Ecclesiastes 8:11 illustrates this as well..."Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil." this has to do with God's patience as I understand it, but the principle is true. When there is a delay in dealing with a situation, it is an encouragement to those who are doing wrong to continue in it as they see no consequences.
When I was married to my first husband I woke up one morning to find him standing over my bed with a gun in his hand. He merely said to me "I could have killed you in your sleep if I'd wanted to." Another time he told me he would do anything to hurt my children as long as it hurt me. He was a pathological liar. He was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. At the end of our marriage which was about the time he threatened my children, he was caught by police at midnight in a town 45 minutes from our home in his car with two underage girls. These events all culminated in the end of our marriage. He never hit me. He never hit my children. Would you think what he did was abusive? In case there is anyone out there that might hesitate on that question I will give you a resounding YES IT WAS ABUSIVE!
I am writing on this subject to bring to light in our community what abuse is. I also tell you that you most likely will never see an abuser being abusive in an overt way. They are excellent at making sure the destruction they create is hidden. An abusive person will most likely appear to be an upstanding citizen, making it look like things are great. If you pay attention to a person you feel could be abused you will see tel tale signs. There are many, and they often are fleeting, but they are there. It takes close observation. You might see a sad face when it appears no one is looking. You might see inconsistent behavior. You might see anger that doesn't seem to fit. Overcompensating is another sign. Too busy to be still. There are so many ways a person reacts in public when dealing with abuse. We are called to unity as a family. Do we not know our physical family well enough to know when one of our loved ones are not acting like themselves? We should also pay attention to our church family, our friends who we encounter often as well.
One of the worst things one can do when told of an abusive situation is to say "there are two sides to every story". That phrase, though true in the purest sense, is a very damaging thing one can say. It is a way of telling an already sensitive soul that has come to ask for help or say their truth that their word is not enough. They have already most likely been told in so many ways by their abuser that what they have to say and what they feel is not important. DO NOT SAY THAT. DO NOT THINK THAT! It is not anyone's job to judge the validity of what someone brings, but to act with love and compassion and find out what can be done to help. Philippians 2:4 "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Galations 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." We are called to be there for each other.
Let's break this apart a little more. Let's continue with what God wants of us as a christian people, as people. We are called to unity in so many places. Look at 1 Corinthians 1:10, Ephesians 4:11-13,
Colossians 3:13-14, John 17:23, Psalm 133:1, 1 Peter 3:8, 1 John 4:12, Ephesians 4:3. We get the picture here that God wants us unified in thought, treating each other with love. Can we be unified when there is abuse going on? Can we be of the same mind? Is it good for the entire family when someone is suffering alone? Can anyone be the servants God has called us to be when attention is divided so dramatically?
Abuse is so much more than hitting, as I said. Hitting can be seen; bruises, flinching at a persons quick upraised hand even in conversation. Hiding from everyone. It is easier to spot than verbal and/or emotional abuse. (By the way these two go hand in hand) It is horrible, it is damaging. Calling someone stupid, or saying their feelings are wrong or unnecessary is abuse. Making light of anyone's feelings is wrong. It is dismissive and sends a message that the fellow human is not important. This is devastating to live through!
Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up, that it may give grace to the listeners. Ephesians 4:29
(name calling is making oneself seem more important than the abused one) Romans 12:3 "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."Making fun of a person to make yourself laugh is abusive. Proverbs 21:23-24 "Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. “Scoffer” is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride."
Throwing someone under the bus in front of others (all to make the abuser look innocent at the abused's expense) is abuse,
NOT TALKING to the abused for lengthy periods of time after an argument is abuse. (it is a form of control to relieve self of dealing with consequences of abusive behavior)
Gasslighting is abuse (using psychological tactics to make someone question their sanity)...let me be clear on that...when a person has figured something out about the abusers behavior and the abuser questions them, making them seem silly or wrong or tells them they are imagining things, or calling their behavior controlling, is a form of gasslighting...so it is much more than the film Gaslight of 1944. It is common behavior of an abuser. It is an attempt to take the focus off of the abuser's behavior and make the abused feel guilty so they will stop trying to understand what is happening.
Abuse in itself holds seeds in selfishness. When one puts self over the needs of a loved one it deprives that loved one of essential human rights in so many cases, that is abuse. It also destroys oneness as was discussed in a previous post. James 3:16 "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."
Tearing someone down to lift up self is abuse. Is that not what happened to Jesus in the worst way? He fulfilled a prophecy and had control, however, the abusive, selfish behaviors of those who killed Him and let Him die was on them!! Fear that leads to destruction of another, selfishness, need for control...all seeds, all sin, all damnable.
Galations 5:19-21 gives us some answers about what is not OK with God. "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."
Our responsibility to folks in this situation is clear. We are to be there for one another. Believe the person that comes to you, if they do. Tell them you are there to help in any way they need. Do NOT take an initiative without talking to them first. Often the simplest thing can make things worse for them, so let them have the control over what happens. Remember control has been taken away from them, often over their own most basic human rights, so giving them total control over decisions is a gift, and necessary to build confidence and trust in themselves first, and you second. Only in cases when you see their life is in danger should you step in without their consent.
When my parents came to get my children and myself after my first marriage was over and brought us home it was not long before I was visited by members of our home congregation. They wanted to have all the details of my experience and wanted to know what I was doing. They tried to take control of my life even before I had all the answers. I told them I could not answer them with details at that time. I did tell them that my soul was OK to give them some clarity. I was told not to return to that congregation if I was not going to share the details. In a short time my children and I were on our own (we were blessed with our physical family, but our lives had drastically changed and it was frightening) and without a church home.
The "end" of this story is I had a choice. I could be bitter or I could choose to grow. It took awhile to learn all I needed to in order to go on in a healthy way, and without support of a church family, but with God I did go on and I chose to grow and I chose to stay close to God, and yes, we did find another church home. This is an illustration of why it is not good to take someone's control over their own life choices away from them. Love them, be there for them, help them as they try to grow, even if it is to stay in a situation. It is their choice, and no man has a right to make it for them. Who knows but what they were made for a time such as this. Who knows the effect they might have on someone through the growth God can give. Strength is the beautiful blessing that comes from living through experiences and things I have shared here. It is empowerment that God gives as a gift to those who choose to grow.
It is my sincere hope that these tough things I have spoken about will help to educate and enlighten all of us so that when we are called to serve someone in such a manner, we might be ready!
GOD BLESS!
