The Birth of an Activist for God

I didn't start out to be that girl; that woman who is "ALWAYS stirring things up". (as some might say). I didn't start out being an activist of sorts.  I don't think I would have chosen as a child to have the life I have, because it is sometimes heart breaking and lonely.  I don't really want to feel alone in a cause. But, if I look closely at my heart, and we jump to the end, I wouldn't want to be any different.

I am an "activist" for God.  By that term I simply mean I will stand up for Him even if I stand alone.  He doesn't NEED me.  But, He WANTS me. He wants all of us.  He loves all of us! When I found Proverbs 31:8-9 things made sense to me... "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy."       Isaiah 1:17 "Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause."       Psalm 82:3 "Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute." Yikes, there are a million of verses like these!  

As I child I remember thinking "If I just had the RIGHT words this (meaning whatever thing was going on that was scary or yucky) wouldn't be happening.  It seemed to start out with me recognizing injustice in my own life.  Oops, the birth of a girl who learned to find her words.  I don't remember much before junior high (as it was called way back when).  Nothing all that traumatic happened to me, I've just not always stored information from awhile ago.  It seems my brain mostly focuses on recent activities and things I need to survive. But I do remember getting my sea legs in junior high when I decided to pass around a petition to eliminate Algebra from the curriculum.  Yep, that one didn't go far, though some teachers signed it!  So, a little win!

I learned about the ugly side of life when my principal asked me to buy drugs from a friend as he told me this boy was selling them to my little brother and sister.  I believe it was 9th grade, but it may have been sooner. Up until then I believe I was largely innocent and didn't understand much about the ugly side of life.  So, I did what I was told; thinking I had saved my younger siblings, but it set off a fire storm in my life and that of my family that shaped me, that began in me a fire to stand up for those who are mistreated. It began the very next morning when I went to school and was met with droves; hordes of students following me down the hallway screaming and chanting "NARC, NARC, NARC!!!".  There were death threats, and kids chasing me with sticks.  It was bad.  I didn't know that word before then.  I didn't know total fear until then.  My parents went to school to watch over me in those beginning days and weeks. It also went beyond school.  If these kids saw me in the world they would chant and chase me...one time they spit on the window of our car when we were waiting for my parents at the store.  My life changed then.  For the next 4 years there was more of this; though after some years it wasn't as constant.

I never said one word in my defense, I never showed fear.  I just stared ahead and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. I even acted normal so they wouldn't think they were hurting me.  Everything I did that WORD, that horrible WORD was in the back of my mind.  At a time when a young person is forming their interests and making choices for the future I was held back from fear of hearing that word and being threatened such that I chose things that were solitary and not in the lime light.  Except for one time, one glorious time when I was in a play; well, I performed one act of a play.  I wanted it so bad.  But, I remember on the night of the performance as I was doing my best to perform I was watching out in the darkness waiting for that word that had been branded to my very being to be yelled out.  God was there, that WORD wasn't, and I had that night.  We won a prize that night.  Again, those words I had somehow thought when I was small came to me.  "If I knew just the RIGHT words to say this would stop".  I know it isn't always true, but as a child and a young teen I thought them.

That is when I began to understand the destruction of others that people can inflict with ugly words and behaviors.  THAT is when I decided I was going to never be that vulnerable again, and I would find the right words to help myself and others who are hurt and alone and afraid.  It hadn't translated over to God yet, but the birth of a new person was happening.  A new, stronger girl to be woman, a fierce protector.  I would find those good words.

I also began to understand that being like everyone else wasn't all that great.  Being mean in a crowd was not what I wanted to be.  I didn't know it, but God was forming me from tragedy even then.  I didn't know this scripture then, but I do now.

what that verse actually says is "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." ... You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession."  THERE was my reason to be an activist.  To stand up for God and those who are hurt and alone because being chosen by GOD is a wonderful place to be.  Everyone should feel this safe, to feel this included, to feel this blessed!

I went on to be an activist in those things that catch a person's attention in college...I had to wear dresses when going to Harding Christian College in Searcy, Arkansas (as it was called back then), and it was cold and the boys would say stuff.  SO, I took my concerns to the president, I wrote letters and I made my plea for all the girls...and the policy was changed.  That back then was a heady feeling.  I felt strong.  I still didn't understand how I would become an activist for God...but I was learning a process.  Learn the right words and they will listen if your cause is just! 

Even as an adult going BACK to college at York Christian College (as it was called back then) and making a plea for all the working single moms that we couldn't go to chapel AND work AND be there for our kids AND take a full load. I pleaded that we loved God or we would not be there, but we had only so much time in a day, and please help us achieve our goal to get a degree so we could raise our kiddos!  I wrote letters and made friends with the president of the college and made my plea, AND, the policy was changed.  AND, yet, STILL it was more about finite things than the issues of the soul.  BUT, the pattern of HOW to make changes was born and solid.

I think I was learning that if something is so very important we can use our voice and our good actions to effect a change.  What was cemented into my soul that going along with the majority could become mob mentality so often and it was dangerous and it even hurt or killed people.  Even if people stand for a good cause, if the behavior excludes someone or hurts someone who sincerely wants to be a part of a good thing, it is not what God had in mind!  I was getting more solid and stronger in that feeling.  NOW, what happened next helped me to find my way closer to the God who had loved me all along and was using my hardships to find a way to be there in Him and with Him.

I lost my son to the world. There is a HUGE piece of the story that is too much to say, but today, as it stands I do not know where he is, or if he is even alive.  This has been YEARS and YEARS of heart torture, and trying literally EVERYTHING and ANYTHING I could think of to help him. I used everything I knew, I had become stronger in the Lord and I knew He was with me.  I tried to get help from the church, but honestly they just didn't know how to help in these matters.  I began to see what we needed as a church to be there for others, but often they are so busy with so much, folks fall into the cracks.  As such was true with my son.  It took a very long time to understand no matter how much of an activist I was, or what I had learned to do to affect a change, sometimes, because of free will, there was no good answer  no win as we understand a win, just an opportunity to learn from the heartache and grow closer to God.  Trust in God, not my own understanding. 

Today, I am still trying to get there, where my God wants me to be.  I'm still an activist who will try to help those who are hurting or left out or alone in their fear.  Even if it is me, and that is OK as I am all important to God too! I will still speak out and plead my case with God in my heart to try to affect a change.  I've tried recently to get a group to understand that with just a small change of behavior some folks wouldn't be left out.  It backfired, as some attempts do.  I was called selfish and a trouble maker.  I've gone over my words over and over and over, and I know my heart, and it was only a plea for me and for some who are like me.  I didn't say anything mean or hateful, just tried to get folks to see.  So, things don't always go the way we would want; we activists.  BUT, if we keep the right godly attitude, we leave it to Him and we keep the love that motivated us in the first place and we pray for those who may not see how they are leaving some out or exercising their personal liberties at the expense of others.  I can only leave this particular set of words with these two scriptures.  Paul writing to the church at Philippi: Philippians 1:27 "Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel," and 1 Corinthians 8:13 (and looking at the spirit of this) "Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother or sister to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause them to fall." 

I'm still growing and learning and desiring sincerely to be what my God wants me to be, and my life will continue to be so, but in my journey thus far, I have come to understand if we stand silent while there is suffering and hurt, we become part of the mob and not part of the good solution.

God Bless

WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING

Matthew 7:15-23 "Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves."

 ¹⁶ By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Wolves disguised as sheep. Ravenous wolves.We might be feeling safe in our home congregation because we don't have any of those in our midst. We might be feeling that we know the scripture well enough that when someone comes and distorts it we will know. 

I have been studying this topic because I was once one of many who felt I understood what a wolf in sheeps clothing might look like.  I began to dig deeper.  Are the wolves spoken of in Matthew 7 just those who might come in obviously with teachings contrary to scripture?   Do they just feed false doctrine?  Do they perhaps have other motives, other ways to deceive? I've been studying and I think we need to look more closely. 

What does a wolf do in the midst of sheep?  He tries to hurt them, do damage, eat them up.  His nature is one of deceipt so he may walk among the flock freely seeking perhaps the weakest or most vulnerable first. He wants to do damage for his own needs, his own gain. Is a wolf a big obvious monster that always acts mean and destructively so that we can see him/her? Do we immediately see his/her destructive fruits?

2 Corinthians 11:13-15 " For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. ¹⁴ And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. ¹⁵ It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve."

Satan is beautiful. He is crafty and sneaky.  He is a liar. He wants to get you for his own purposes. He will do or say anything to lead you toward him.He wants to mess with you, to show you ways that seem good but are contrary to scripture so you will give up on God, or slowly leave from discouragement. So, are wolves only those folks that speak their own version of scripture in the pulpit so we can all see them, or could they be folks who are in our midst who are living a lie, who hurt others for their own desires? Who go after folks who may be vulnerable or weak or unsuspecting to suit their own needs which ultimately drives away the good, or damages them?  Isn't that taking what God has asked of us to live (in scripture) and perverting it to suit their own agendas?  Isn't that living; teaching, something that is false and contrary to what God has asked of us?  

2 Timothy 4:3 "For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear."

Can you not just hear satan saying, "come on, just do it, after all it isn't a total sin, we are ok". Can't you just hear him pulling you away from what God has said and distorting it for his own end result?  He wants you, he uses every method he can to lure you away from what is true and good and godly.  He isn't just standing up in the pulpit misquoting scripture.  He is that person in the congregation who is living a lie, who is not swayed by the authority of our leaders; our elders, who secretly lives and hurts and destroys those from his own church family to serve his own needs and wants and desires.  THOSE are wolves in sheeps clothing.  They are dangerous for us and we need to do something about them so they will not eat half the flock before anyone notices!

2 Peter 2:1 " But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them—bringing swift destruction on themselves."

Even the world knows what a wolf is for our application: "A wolf in sheeps clothing is an idiom of Biblical origin used to describe those playing a role contrary to their real character with whom contact is dangerous, particularly false teachers.  Much later the idiom has been applied to zoologists to varying kinds of predatory behavior." 

Colossians 2:8 "Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ."

Could this be referring to someone who wants you to do something that, according to the world, may not be wrong, but to God it is?  Could this apply to many scenarios?  Could it be a man luring a woman to be with him inappropriately...just short of sex? Could it be someone encouraging you to smoke pot because it is legal in this state? and before we get on that, please consider 
Galations 5:19-21 "Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: ^[a]adultery, ^[b]fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, ²⁰ idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, ²¹ envy, ^[c]murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." That word sorcery is from the original Greek word pharmakia which refers to drugs that change your mind; consciousness, perceptions. Could it be to encourage you to hang out in a bar but maybe not drink much?  We are to abstain the very appearance of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:22. The scenarios could go on, but I believe I've made a point here.  These things are designed to serve a human need that could drive you further and further from God...remember we are called not to lean on our own human understanding...Proverbs 3:5-6

We need to find those wolves in sheeps clothing and...Ephesians 5:11 " And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather ^[a]expose them."

How do we recognize wolves in sheeps clothing?  I was reading an excellent article on line that laid it out clearly and with scriptures. Crosswalk.com  5 Ways to Recognize "A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing" by Debbie McDaniel

It starts by making a very clear statement:  "Know the real and you will know what is false"

1.WATCH OUT -   She quotes Matthew 7:15 again and also 1 Corinthians 16:13 "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong" We are to live our lives aware. We have God behind us!

2. KNOW THE REAL AND YOU WILL KNOW THE FAKE. -  Matthew 7:16 "you will recognize them by their fruits" I must caution you here...we have to start out by watching...remember those who live lives of lies are not always easy to spot at first, but eventually we will know them by their fruits.

3.  KNOW GOD'S WORD AND YOU WILL KNOW WHEN IT IS BEING TWISTED AND MANIPULATED. -  2 Corinthians 11:14-15 as was quoted above. This article goes on to say:  "sometimes deception may be hidden well, manipulated and cunning, for the Bible makes it clear that even satan disguises himself as light.  If we don't know His truth we will never know we are being manipulated. Meditate on God's words.  Guard them in your heart.  Psalm 119:11 "I have hidden Your word in my heart that I might not sin against You."

4.  TRUST THE DISCERNMENT AND WISDOM OF GOD'S SPIRIT LIVING THROUGH YOUR LIFE. - John 16:13 " When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth." We were warned ahead of time about false prophets Matthew 24:23-25.  We need to be prepared, we need to be watching!

5.  SURROUND YOURSELF WITH OTHER BELIEVERS YOU KNOW AND TRUST - read
2 Peter 3:3 "Knowing this...scoffers will come in the last days with scoffing, following their own sinful desires." We need fellow Christians we know and trust that they are in the word and following God's plan, not the plans of men, of those who might be among us who are living lies.  Use caution who you listen to, who you associate with and believe...KNOW the Word!

Who is charged to take care of the flock against wolves?  Our shepherds.  Our Elders.  
Acts 20:25-31 Paul calls for them to watch over the flock against savage wolves. in reference to seekers to destroy Jude 4 "For certain individuals whose condemnation was written about^[a] long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They are ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord." 

This would indicate that our shepherds need to KNOW each member of their flock so they can discern and watch over us...find any wolves who may have come in among us. They need to know each of us, and need to hear if one comes to them with concerns for another who may be harming those in the flock! This is a heavy responsibility, so we need to help our elders.

These are just some of the thoughts I had concerning wolves in sheeps clothing.  I'm sure there is much more, but I hope we are encouraged to get in the word and study for ourselves so that we can be ready to keep our flock safe!

GOD BLESS

A Study of Abuse...(it is more than hitting)

Abuse. A very scary and hard subject to approach.  I put a photo of a woman here, because I AM a woman, but I want everyone to understand that both men AND women can be guilty of abuse. This is another topic I wish was preached on, though I suspect many would be uncomfortable at the content. I understand this is hard, but, again, necessary.  We all know of someone who is being abused by someone, whether we see it or not, it is happening.  I promise you! Look at this woman. This is a good visual to describe how someone being abused often feels. Alone, isolated, hopeless, fearful, lost...

Psalm 11:5 "The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, He hates with a passion." God hates violence.  We hate violence.  There are many forms of violence.  Would you think threats of violence would fall into this category?  INTENT to:  hit, create fear of, control, and hurt in any way is a violence of spirit and mind and sometimes, body.  

James 1:19-20 " My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

We are called to be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry," Why do you think we are not to let the sun go down on our anger? the next verse says it "and do not give the devil a foothold.…".  Staying angry is dynamite for people embroiled in an abusive situation.  Ecclesiastes 8:11 illustrates this as well..."Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil." this has to do with God's patience as I understand it, but the principle is true.  When there is a delay in dealing with a situation, it is an encouragement to those who are doing wrong to continue in it as they see no consequences.

When I was married to my first husband I woke up one morning to find him standing over my bed with a gun in his hand.  He merely said to me "I could have killed you in your sleep if I'd wanted to." Another time he told me he would do anything to hurt my children as long as it hurt me.  He was a pathological liar.  He was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive.  At the end of our marriage which was about the time he threatened my children, he was caught by police at midnight in a town 45 minutes from our home in his car with two underage girls.  These events all culminated in the end of our marriage.  He never hit me. He never hit my children.  Would you think what he did was abusive?  In case there is anyone out there that might hesitate on that question I will give you a resounding YES IT WAS ABUSIVE!

I am writing on this subject to bring to light in our community what abuse is.  I also tell you that you most likely will never see an abuser being abusive in an overt way.  They are excellent at making sure the destruction they create is hidden.  An abusive person will most likely appear to be an upstanding citizen, making it look like things are great. If you pay attention to a person you feel could be abused you will see tel tale signs.  There are many, and they often are fleeting, but they are there.  It takes close observation. You might see a sad face when it appears no one is looking. You might see inconsistent behavior.  You might see anger that doesn't seem to fit. Overcompensating is another sign. Too busy to be still.  There are so many ways a person reacts in public when dealing with abuse. We are called to unity as a family.  Do we not know our physical family well enough to know when one of our loved ones are not acting like themselves?  We should also pay attention to our church family, our friends who we encounter often as well.

One of the worst things one can do when told of an abusive situation is to say "there are two sides to every story".  That phrase, though true in the purest sense, is a very damaging thing one can say.  It is a way of telling an already sensitive soul that has come to ask for help or say their truth that their word is not enough.  They have already most likely been told in so many ways by their abuser that what they have to say and what they feel is not important.  DO NOT SAY THAT.  DO NOT THINK THAT!  It is not anyone's job to judge the validity of what someone brings, but to act with love and compassion and find out what can be done to help. Philippians 2:4 "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Galations 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." We are called to be there for each other.

Let's break this apart a little more.  Let's continue with what God wants of us as a christian people, as people.  We are called to unity in so many places.  Look at 1 Corinthians 1:10, Ephesians 4:11-13, 
Colossians 3:13-14,  John 17:23, Psalm 133:1, 1 Peter 3:8, 1 John 4:12, Ephesians 4:3.  We get the picture here that God wants us unified in thought, treating each other with love.  Can we be unified when there is abuse going on?  Can we be of the same mind? Is it good for the entire family when someone is suffering alone?  Can anyone be the servants God has called us to be when attention is divided so dramatically?

Abuse is so much more than hitting, as I said.  Hitting can be seen; bruises, flinching at a persons quick upraised hand even in conversation.  Hiding from everyone. It is easier to spot than verbal and/or emotional abuse. (By the way these two go hand in hand)  It is horrible, it is damaging.  Calling someone stupid, or saying their feelings are wrong or unnecessary is abuse. Making light of anyone's feelings is wrong. It is dismissive and sends a message that the fellow human is not important. This is devastating to live through!

Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up, that it may give grace to the listeners. Ephesians 4:29

(name calling is making oneself seem more important than the abused one) Romans 12:3 "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you."  

Making fun of a person to make yourself laugh is abusive.  Proverbs 21:23-24 "Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. “Scoffer” is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride."

Throwing someone under the bus in front of others (all to make the abuser look innocent at the abused's expense) is abuse, 

NOT TALKING to the abused for lengthy periods of time after an argument is abuse.  (it is a form of control to relieve self of dealing with consequences of abusive behavior) 

Gasslighting is abuse (using psychological tactics to make someone question their sanity)...let me be clear on that...when a person has figured something out about the abusers behavior and the abuser questions them, making them seem silly or wrong or tells them they are imagining things, or calling their behavior controlling, is a form of gasslighting...so it is much more than the film Gaslight of 1944.  It is common behavior of an abuser. It is an attempt to take the focus off of the abuser's behavior and make the abused feel guilty so they will stop trying to understand what is happening. 

Abuse in itself holds seeds in selfishness.  When one puts self over the needs of a loved one it deprives that loved one of essential human rights in so many cases, that is abuse. It also destroys oneness as was discussed in a previous post. James 3:16 "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

Tearing someone down to lift up self is abuse. Is that not what happened to Jesus in the worst way? He fulfilled a prophecy and had control, however, the abusive, selfish behaviors of those who killed Him and let Him die was on them!! Fear that leads to destruction of another, selfishness, need for control...all seeds, all sin, all damnable.

Galations 5:19-21 gives us some answers about what is not OK with God. "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

Our responsibility to folks in this situation is clear. We are to be there for one another.  Believe the person that comes to you, if they do.  Tell them you are there to help in any way they need.  Do NOT take an initiative without talking to them first.  Often the simplest thing can make things worse for them, so let them have the control over what happens.  Remember control has been taken away from them, often over their own most basic human rights, so giving them total control over decisions is a gift, and necessary to build confidence and trust in themselves first, and you second.  Only in cases when you see their life is in danger should you step in without their consent. 

When my parents came to get my children and myself after my first marriage was over and brought us home it was not long before I was visited by members of our home congregation.  They wanted to have all the details of my experience and wanted to know what I was doing.  They tried to take control of my life even before I had all the answers.  I told them I could not answer them with details at that time.  I did tell them that my soul was OK to give them some clarity.  I was told not to return to that congregation if I was not going to share the details.  In a short time my children and I were on our own (we were blessed with our physical family, but our lives had drastically changed and it was frightening) and without a church home. 

The "end" of this story is I had a choice.  I could be bitter or I could choose to grow.  It took awhile to learn all I needed to in order to go on in a healthy way, and without support of a church family, but with God I did go on and I chose to grow and I chose to stay close to God, and yes, we did find another church home.  This is an illustration of why it is not good to take someone's control over their own life choices away from them.  Love them, be there for them, help them as they try to grow, even if it is to stay in a situation.  It is their choice, and no man has a right to make it for them.  Who knows but what they were made for a time such as this.  Who knows the effect they might have on someone through the growth God can give.  Strength is the beautiful blessing that comes from living through experiences and things I have shared here.  It is empowerment that God gives as a gift to those who choose to grow.

It is my sincere hope that these tough things I have spoken about will help to educate and enlighten all of us so that when we are called to serve someone in such a manner, we might be ready!

GOD BLESS!

THE ANATOMY OF AN APOLOGY

There is a picture here behind the words...do you see her?  Very distraught to the point of not feeling able to speak. It brings a feeling of sincerity in this apology does it not? Is this enough, just to say sorry?  It brings to the imagination of what she could have done that left her unable to speak the words, how devastated she looks. It makes me want to just hug her! Is her sorry enough?

Apologies. We've all been on both sides of that coin I would imagine.  We've all done and said things that we needed to apologize for, and we've all had someone do or not do something that caused us harm that needed to be apologized for.  It is the human condition; failing each other in one way or another.  We all understand this condition. And, I will add, we usually know when we have done something or failed to do something that hurt someone. Psalm 51:3 "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.  David said it so clearly.  For the most part we know when we need to make things right with someone.


What makes an apology work?  Is it merely up to the recipient to accept it at face value and go on?  Is there something more that helps to heal the wounds that made the apology necessary in the first place?

I found this on a google search.  There are those who say there are six steps to make a good apology.  This one has the bare bones.  We can start with "Im Sorry".  As I asked above, is this enough?  If we just say the words, are we conveying to the injured person that we understand what we did to hurt the injured one? This is important because the injured one is wondering will it happen again, does he/she really understand just what they did to hurt me?  It is also important the facial expression and tone of voice used to apologize.  If the "I'm sorry" is said under the breath or worse, in an angry tone, that conveys anger at "having" to apologize. It does not seem real, it isn't real.

The second step is important because it tells that we are taking responsibility for the injury.  THIS is very important so as not to lay blame to the injured party.  How many times have we heard "I'm sorry, BUT...".  I love the quote from Ben Franklin “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” That is not an I'm sorry at all. This second step is also very important because the injured person needs to know, again, if the perpetrator really understands what was done to injure! If there is no clear understanding of just what was done to injure what on earth will insure that it won't happen again?

Third is the correction.  It must not be ignored!  If the third step is not followed then how does the injured person know of the sincerity?  Asking what can be done to make the injury right again.  Being ready and willing to make it right! This is a further statement that the perpetrator is taking responsibility and is so sincere they want to correct the situation to make it right.

There is biblical principal to this as we read in  Matthew 5:23-24 "So, what if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that someone has something against you? Leave your gift there and go make peace with that person.  Then come and offer your gift."  This tells me how important it is to make thing right with the person that has been hurt. The perpetrator of the offense does not have the right to decide if the offense was important enough for an apology, a 3 step apology.

Being sorry, really sorry, is a powerful thing.  It can heal hearts and mend lives that are broken from the offense.  James 5:16 "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person produces wonderful results." When a soul sees the damage done to another and is truly repentant, much growth can occur.  I remember the story of the prodigal son and his repentance.  He did not expect anything from his Father but just hoped to be like a servant.  Look at David who committed adultery AFTER having Bathsheba's husband killed.  Read his beautiful prayer, asking for forgiveness of God in Psalm 51.  Notice the detail he goes into so that God can hear he understands his guilt.

It might be easy to apologize quickly and go on with life...until the same infraction occurs and the same hurts are heaped on a soul.  The second, third and so on time the same thing is done to a person chips more and more from the injured souls and it makes it harder and harder for them to believe in the apology; the apology given with no intent to change the hurtful, damaging behavior.  CHANGE is so important.  Once it has been made right, to continue in the same behavior is proof that the "sorry" so poorly and quickly given was not real.

I am reminded of a story I may have recounted before, but it is so clear HOW we need to change our behavior after a heartfelt apology is given.  I may not have all the details exactly right, but this is the story as I remember. When I was a girl my grandfather lent a car to a fellow church member who used the car and then the church friend stole it. Years later he came and found my grandfather and so sincerely apologized, with much heart...and, then, promptly got back in my grandfather's car and drove away. You see how a sorry can even sound sincere, but if behavior has not changed, it is worthless?

For our christian brothers and sisters apologizing and making things right will be the glue that helps us stay unified as Paul preached so often.  Why not take the time, and humble self if an apology, a sincere apology, is warranted.  What a beautiful gift after a hurt has happened! And, forgiveness...those injured souls need to be ready to forgive if asked. But, that is for another day!

GOD BLESS

"ONENESS in Marriage" What does it really mean?

A BIBLICAL VIEW OF ONENESS IN MARRIAGE

I want to preface these thoughts with a couple of statements.  The first is that this subject, as with all things godly, is interwoven with everything else, in that, biblical principle has common threads that apply and connect if we look for the connections. Secondly, though it is hard as a human to NOT put in an opinion, we should not lean on our own understanding of any subject, (Proverbs 3:5-6) but delve into the word to solve all our questions and issues.  God did not leave us alone here.  He is HERE and has left us the Holy Spirit and His Word.

I always pray to grow. I hope I HAVE grown from the first post to now.  I pray for godly wisdom.  With each post I am driven to write for one reason or another, so with passion often comes things that are driven by emotion.  I want these words to be godly and driven by my love for God.  I study and re-study things, but if I write anything that you can find is wrong from scripture I want to know!  Thank you!

I wish there were more topics like this, and ones I plan to write on, were preached on thoroughly so that all could have help in times of trouble. YES, we all can go to scripture, but not everyone does, and so, from the pulpit may be the only way some will hear.  I know many who wait for years for sermons that may help their marriages in a safe way. It is my fervent prayer that we will hear things on tough subjects from the pulpit.  We have an excellent example in Paul, as just one example, who preached to all the members about what was happening in their congregations...tough things...Read
1 Corinthians 5 and 1 Thessalonians 4.  He did not shrink in his speech to them.

 

You have probably seen Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." It is one of the scriptures folks have used in my experience to explain, or say we are one flesh when we marry.  BUT, what does that actually mean? What does it look like to be one with a spouse in every day life? In my own experience my husband and I have disagreed on this subject.  I say we disagreed, but in truth, I'm not sure either of us really understood what the other thought...this has inspired me to study oneness from a godly perspective.

Let's start with just ONENESS itself.  Let's start with the Godhead.  Three distinct individuals with three different purposes, but they are all one.  John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word (Jesus), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (The Holy spirit is the third being that makes up the Godhead.) The Holy Spirit first appears in Genesis 1:2.  They are all part of the One, but they all have their own roles. Again, Jesus says in John 10:30 "I and the Father are one." This shows me that being one doesn't mean loosing identity as an individual.

We as the church are a body of believers.  Baptized believers.  We all have our own separate identities and talents, but we are called to be one together.  What does this mean?  1 Corinthians 12:13 "For in ONE spirit we were all baptized into ONE body - Jews or Greeks, slaves or free - and all were made to drink of ONE Spirit."  Ephesians 4:5 "One Lord, one faith, one baptism."  ONE seems to be a theme here...What does this mean?  1 Peter 3:8 " Finally, ALL of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind."  We are to be of one mind.  Our minds working together toward a common goal.  Philipians 2:2 Paul is talking to the church at Philippi "fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind" listen to the very next verse, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." Not only does he explain what kind of oneness we should have as a body of Christ, but he describes what it is as well as what it isn't. Romans 14:19 "So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding." Romans 15:16 "That together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Romans 12:5 "So we though many, are ONE body in Christ (our binding agent), and individually members one of another." Again, we have distinct persons, but are called to think alike, to be one in Christ.

We are called to have perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14 "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." HARMONY -I see descriptors like: simultaneous; any parallel narratives which present a continuous narrative text; things that go together well (which would speak to a common purpose as in a godly relationship).

And Ephesians 4:1-6 "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with ALL humility (this is not self serving) and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call - one Lord, one faith, one baptism;  one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

ONE...ONENESS...

Oneness in marriage will hold the same components.  Oneness has been described and illustrated in the scriptures above.  As a married couple we have made a covenant with God.  A covenant with God is binding and cannot be broken except for things that God has deemed powerful or damaging enough to break it.  Death being one, and going outside of marriage to another party is another.  It is a strong thing to be married and have God as the head of both.

There is a difference between a contract and a covenant.  The main differences I studied are:

CONTRACT: Legally binding; agreement between parties; you can opt out; invalid when one of the parties violates it; parties exchanging something equally valuable to the other; mutually beneficial...and so on

COVENANT: a spiritual agreement; a pledge; remains in tact even if the other does not hold up his/her end; a perpetual promise; you seal a covenant; and so on 

Marriage is not an exchange of services.  

A contract can be agreed upon in secret but a marriage must be entered into with a public oath in front of witnesses.

A covenant rests on the concept of a power higher than man which gives proper authority to carry out any particular end that the covenant is seeking to attain.

When a couple is married, they are not simply joined as "allies" or "friends", they are joined together as one and society is obliged to recognize that they are one.

Being one with someone does not mean you are loosing your identity as a separate person.  It is not being a drone; 1 of 2.  It DOES, however, mean that you no longer should think of yourself first.  It DOES mean that there is a union that is more important than a selfish desire you may have.  IF you want to do something that would hurt your spouse and in turn hurt your union; your marriage; then that is not ok.  Really, it should be no different as a Christian who should never let their personal liberties hurt another of their brothers and sisters. Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves." It is called letting go of selfishness. Isn't that what we should be as humans anyway?
Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." 

Matthew 19:5-6 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore  what God has joined together, let man not separate." When my husband and I were about to be married my parents talked to us together and made the point that "let man not separate" referred to each of us as well.  We are not to separate each other!  Good point!


I read somewhere that oneness in marriage has been compared to a pair of scissors:  two components joined never to be separated.  Scissor blades frequently go in different directions, but they are most powerful when coming together. NOTE that if one blade is broken or damaged the whole scissor does not work any longer.

I found an article written by Dennis Rainey who wrote for Family Life  that I want to share a bit from. 

There are 3 foundational components of oneness in marriage:

1. Wisdom in marriage:  it means we respond to circumstances according to God's design.  One of the most critical issues a husband and wife must settle in their life together is:  WHO will be the builder of our marriage?  In Psalm 127:1 we read "Unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor in vain." Make sure the builder of the home is not "self".

2. Understanding:  A oneness in marriage needs understanding. Understanding means responding to life's circumstances with insight.  A perspective that looks at life through God's eyes.  Understanding builds oneness by establishing the relationship on a foundation of common insight.

3. Knowledge:  A oneness marriage needs knowledge.  Information without application is an empty effort.

The Bible says it best.  Proverbs 24:3-4 "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms ae filled with all precious and pleasant riches." 

It has been said in almost everything I've read and studied that the number one problem in every marriage is self-centerdness.  There is no biblical example that shows us that thinking of self first is a way to oneness in ANY relationship, but especially marriage.

We are taught in Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." 

What I come away with is this.  One flesh is two individuals coming together through mutual respect and submission (not to take away from the husband being head of the family as that is another study) and without selfishness working together for the common goal of loving and serving God and doing everything possible to help each other to heaven. And to take as many with them through their efforts as possible I might add!

I want to add one final statement that really could and should be another study by itself.  When I was single for many years, I felt lost that many sermons on relationships only talked about the marriage relationship. I want to add that when two people are working together and forming a relationship that is working towards eventual marriage these principles apply as well.  A man or woman of character should always BE the type of person that is described in the marriage relationship.  Character describes a person who does the right thing whether anyone sees him/her or not.  IF you are working within godly parameters in life, then a relationship before marriage should be held in the same way. There is no such thing as being one way before and quickly switching into a godly way of thinking after.  Please be careful in this thinking.

This is by no means totally comprehensive, but an overview to get us primed for a deeper and deeper study and walk with God.

As always I want to say "God Bless" you in your walk with God and with your spouse or intended!

PLATITUDES AND THE LIKE

Platitudes may be a bit harsh for what I am led to say today, but it was the closest I could come to my point.

As a teacher I always do my research when approaching a new project; whether it be something I write, or something I paint...so...definition of platitude...

My thought revolves around the short statements; that are often sincerely and honestly made; often bits of scripture; which are ALWAYS true...but, of late I note that there are many from some folks (and, yes, I'm "guilty" of it as well at times, but I try not to...cuz of how I've noticed things...lol)  I believe these folks mean the very best...they want to remind us of something important or profound and they are trying to help.

I believe most platitudes are true...yes, that's why they've withstood the test of time...

Here is the rub for me...and for some who are struggling so desperately.  Sometimes, as in my case, I note they are said, and that is that.  My daughter one day said to me that she is weary of hearing "this too shall pass" or some such phrase like that...some such platitude. I bet I have said it to her!!  sigh... I UNDERSTOOD immediately what she meant!  She knows people mean well...but she is a mother of two very little tots (my glorious grandchildren whom I adore), and she is going through a very crazy time in life right now as any of us will remember if we had some of those little angels...when she is exhausted and trying to keep everything together amidst the chaos, the last thing she needs is a platitude...no matter how well meant!  Instead I imagine what might be better received is..."how about a free babysitting moment so you can catch your breath...maybe get a coffee or see your husband outside of your house?" WOW...now THAT is a blessing!  

I began to notice these well meant words that people sprinkle facebook and other social media sites with...and I felt led to say...SOMETIMES what we need is more than a few well chosen words or a pretty scripture...ALTHOUGH they are TRUE...sometimes it would be nice to get a phone call saying "I miss you" or "are you doing ok?"...and then be willing to listen...sometimes, people need THAT!

At the risk of sounding like a Debbie Downer...I just wanted to be real for a moment...I NEED to say this...Life has been really REALLY challenging and heartbreaking and exhausting of late and maybe I can't say what it is, but I really REALLY need more than just the platitudes...and some gentle right now...and I bet there are LOTS and TONS and LOADS of folks out there who need the same...so, can we call this a small, tiny, public service reminder...sometimes those in pain need more than just a platitude...

THAT BEING SAID...I do LOVE one platitude that one friend reminded me of...because I know it was from the heart!  and...it's true...(smiley face inserted here...lol)

 

I perused through an article I found on line that I found interesting for the moment in time...if you want to read a bit...check out this perspective on Job in relation to platitudes...

  http://www.raystedman.org/old-testament/job/the-folly-of-platitudes

AGAIN, I KNOW folks mean well, they are busy and their lives have things and, and, and...(insert here whatever came to your mind)...so, this was more just a kind reminder that actions speak louder than words...and some folks right in your own backyard might be having a crazy life period and might need more than just some pretty platitudes...

GOD BLESS!!

YOU CAN'T FORCE A THING. WELL, YOU CAN TRY, HOWEVER...

 

It's been awhile since I've felt led to write another post, but recently something happened to me that gave me pause.  I'm sure we have all had the experience at one time or another of being forced to do something.  How did it make you feel? Did it make you respect the one forcing you?  Did it make you want to do the thing even more?  Or, did it cause feelings of distress, anxiety, anger, perhaps even a little bit of fear?  I don't know about you, but in my case I've felt all of those things.  This event invaded my safe place in my life which made it feel even worse...I felt I had no where to go but away from the situation or to bed to sleep away the anxiety.  I'm not talking about insidious types of forcing of a sexual nature, that has it's own evil and not for this day.  I'm talking instead of those things we are forced to do from guilt or from the other person's sense of what should be done.  At the very least it makes one feel uncomfortable.  It has caused me to feel that way at my very core.  No one should ever do that to another.  Jesus' message for us is about free will.  He never forced anyone to come to Him, EVEN THOUGH IT IS GOOD FOR US AND WILL SAVE US.  Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directs his steps", Mark 8: 34 "And when He had called the people [unto Him] with His disciples also, He said unto them, Whosoever will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.".  Jesus knocks, God says whomever will come to me...there is no forcing there! Our Father realized the value and rightness of choosing and coming freely. He loved us enough to not force us to Him.  This is a good example for all of us.

Forcing something on another person; trying to MAKE them do something is destructive at it's core.  It doesn't allow the other person to be who they are, and doesn't give an opportunity for respect of another's wishes, belief systems and feelings.  You've heard that old saying..."you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar.".  Tis true.  IF something is important enough, consider using kindness and understanding if you want someone to do something for you.  IF they feel free in the choice, they may CHOOSE to do the thing instead of being forced.  HOWEVER, if they do not choose it, do not resort to bullying, or treating them badly because they didn't choose your way of thinking. Would YOU want to be forced to do something that made you feel uncomfortable?  Of course not...treat others as you would want to be treated and you have a much better chance of being respected and appreciated.

Our God, who made us, knows us, and loves us in spite of ourselves even gave us the promise that He would not let you be tempted beyond what you could handle.  This is a great gift and promise!  That means He gives us a way of escape from the thing that would hurt us.  That is just how much He loves us and gives us free will to choose despite what He wants us to do.  I Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."  If GOD knew some things would be more than you could bear, and God loved you enough to give you a GODLY way out, then how can we ignore that message for our own lives and try to force anyone to do something that may be more than they can bear at a given time in life?

This simple message is important for us to reflect on.  BY THE WAY...This does NOT refer to our commandments from our Lord.  He gave us guidelines and outright commands that, IF we come to Him he wants us to do.  To NOT do them would be sin.  If we commit to God, or under God then we have those good commandments if we want to be with Him. 

Try the kinder, gentler approach if you want something.  See just how much further you will get with another human if you respect them and their feelings in spite of differing abilities than yours!

GOD BLESS!