THE BIRTH OF A SINGLE MOTHER

I didn't set out in life to become a single mother.  I didn't choose it. I set out, like so many girls of my time, getting married and then having children; expecting a life time of shared responsibility in the life my husband and I had agreed upon and chosen.  I didn't choose the events that caused me to become a single mother.  But, there it was.  It became my life; my existence, BAM...RIGHT THEN! SMALL children and just ME as mother AND father.  Talk about a shock to every dream, every thought, every plan I ever had in my life before.  AND, I didn't have the luxury of time to adjust...I had two children who needed me immediately!  I had to find a job, I had to find a place to live and figure EVERYTHING out IMMEDIATELY.  I was lucky enough to have parents who loved us all so much, who were there to LOVE US... THAT was a saving grace, THAT was a blessing.  However, that didn't quell the terror of what I saw in my life from that moment.  It was a BIG, HUGE, SCARY life that was ahead, and I would make no other choice.  You see, I LOVED my children with all my heart...
I felt horrible for them; for what THEIR lives had turned in to so quickly.  My heart was SO broken for them.

THAT was another thing that happened IMMEDIATELY.  When you have this happen and you have children, you don't have the luxury of curling up into a little ball and hiding from the world; taking time to heal from events.  Your life steps into overdrive IMMEDIATELY, and you have to fall apart on your own time; which is very limited.  YES, I struggled, I fell apart, at times even on THEIR time, bless their hearts.  STILL I had two little ones who needed me, so I kept getting back up and wiping my face and trying some more. IT IS NEVER THE FAULT OF A CHILD...that is something EVERY child of a single mom should know!!  I can't say that enough!!!

There are NO scriptures specifically from God speaking to single mothers.  That is because it was NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY!  There are things He says to us when we need strength, when we are afraid, Isaiah 41:10 - So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand., when we want to give up Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6, when we are tired Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” , when we become widows I Timothy 5:3-6, when we are wives, Proverbs 31, when we are to be chaste Romans 13:13, so many scriptures for all of these things, but there is no handbook on being a single mother specifically.


I learned VERY QUICKLY that the married friends that I had went away.  The women began to feel jealous.  They didn't want their husbands around a woman who was now "free".  They were uncomfortable.  The church we were attending asked me not to come back because they didn't know if my divorce was "scriptural"; despite my assurances to the contrary.  They wanted PROOF.  And so, in my deepest time of need, I was also abandoned by my church.

I moved us to a small town where there was a christian college so I could get a degree and a job where I COULD take better care of my children, and was judged there also.  I spent years taking my kids to church there; EVERY time the doors were open, where people would get up and move away from me.  My experience was only one of judgement against me.  More uncomfortable fear on their part, for a circumstance I did not choose.  I learned to be defensive.  I learned that love of friends was not mine.There was no luxury of time and grace from others in those early years.  I took a full load in school, extra jobs on the side, and yet was still around for my children.  I still did not have the luxury of "healing". There was little time for that.

What I have learned all these years later is that I will always be a single mother.  Those years alone with my children were HARD, they were LONELY, and, for me, it cemented, even MORE, my love and care for my children.  It was just US together; through thick and thin.  I will always have a fierce love for them; beyond anything I can even understand.  We lived all that together, and so, for me, they are MINE...my beautiful children.  It became very important to me that people knew they were mine.  That is a side effect of the life I was thrown in to.  I had no one else in my daily life, so they became even MORE important to me.  We had struggled together, they were MINE.  It shaped my personality then, as most horrific events do to people.  That is a burden I have...this fierce feeling.  I pray that children of a GODLY single mother understand that side effect, and are gentle in their love of their mother. She needs your understanding and grace now that you are grown with lives of your own!
Ephesians 6:1 - 3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 
Proverbs 23:22 Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

I did not marry again until both my children had left home.  I married a man I dated for many years, but didn't really make a life past my single mother dynamic until many years later.  This is probably why I still feel like a single mother.  It is through no fault of my dear husband.

And now, the story today.  HERE is where a person can live in their heart if they love the Lord as I truly do.  I have come to understand that I did my very best!  Both my children are alive and well, with lives of their own.  They have happy times and struggles just like all of us do, but they didn't turn into murderers, or criminals or anything horrible. (like I was told they would when I was in college...the statistics, I was told, for children of a single mother weren't good) I know that one day, when their lives hold things important to them and they have experiences that will bring to light what it was like for us back then, that they may understand with a loving heart who their mother is.  I hope that they can appreciate that I DID do my VERY BEST for them.  I think they will.  BUT, I will continue my journey and feel proud that I gave them an understanding of the Lord, that He loves them so very much.  I may not ever be rich, but they can be if they choose.  I may not ever have what they may come to have, but I gave them a chance to live that life if they choose it.  I may not ever have  a lot of things...but I will have the knowledge that in a most devastating time I did my best and have NEVER, NEVER regretted taking them and loving them and raising them.  It was without question, my favorite thing I have ever accomplished!  I  KNOW I couldn't have done it without God.

SO for you kids out there of single mothers, PLEASE be kind in your thinking of them.  PLEASE try to understand that they love you so much, and they gave everything for you in the best way THEY could in the face of the most horrible of times...Give them grace, and please, NEVER replace them in your hearts with someone you WISH you had.  If you can, forgive them for not being EVERYTHING you might have deserved, please understand they were humans too; with needs and dreams and wishes and wants who did the best they could in a situation that God didn't plan for them!  I pray all of you children of single mothers had a mother that loved you as fiercely as I did and DO, my two.  If you didn't, I pray your lives are good now.   We can all learn to love and grow with God no matter what our circumstances may be.  THAT is the BEST HAPPY ENDING OF ALL!

I Peter 2: 1-25 (excerpt) So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to Him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

GOD BLESS!

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHURCH SPLITS; HOPEFULLY

If you have lived very long, unfortunately you may have lived through a church split. If you have you will understand the emotional turmoil that immediately exists within each and every person within the congregation involved.  It's like a death of sorts, it's like a divorce, it's confusing and hurtful and scary for all involved.

When a congregation my husband and I were attending had a major event that caused a split I was out of town and got the news that led to the split in a very ugly way; the event in question was merely listed as one of the things to pray for in an e-mail prayer request.  It was a major shock, it was unbelievable, it was NOT a way one wants to find out their church family is headed for disaster!  My first reaction was disbelief, my second was to call someone to find out what happened, my third was to pray.  A little backwards I'd say...perhaps prayer should have been first.  It would have calmed my soul a little, it would have helped me center and think more clearly, and it would have prepared me much better for events that followed!

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

There are as many reasons congregations split as there are sins in the world, and, for this writing it

isn't about the actual EVENT that caused our congregation to split.  (not only would it be gossip if I mentioned it, but it would cause further harm to some very heart and soul sore members of a family that is trying to mend...no matter where they may be right now) What matters is understanding what to do, how to be, how to act in the aftermath of a family that has been torn apart.

Feelings first...well, we know a lot of people are hurting, no matter what they believe happened, so it is important to remember the words in I Peter 4:8-11  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.  If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

I said feelings first, because we are human beings that feel a certain way no matter what the event or the words or the wisp of wind in the air causes within us...we are going to FEEL a certain way after events occur that lead to a church split.  It's OK to have feelings about it...it's OK to feel hurt or angry or afraid or unsure, it's NATURAL to have whatever feelings that come!!  Let that happen, let yourself feel what you feel, because that is the very beginning of truth; the best place to start!  And then you PRAY, you pray hard! PRAY before you react, pray during your reactions, pray after you hear things, pray when you feel ANYTHING you feel...let GOD be your guide in everything!

After I prayed (which should have been FIRST) sigh..., anyway, after I prayed I immediately went to (called) an elder to ask questions.  I couldn't wait the 9 days before I returned home to find out what had happened that was most surely going to be the death of the church family (as it was) I had known and loved. He told me some things, but not all, and so I felt tortured for all of those days to wait until I returned home to try to understand what happened and why things were done the way they were. A VERY long 9 days I'll tell you!! 

A very important thing to keep in mind when events occur that cause your congregation to divide itself is NOT TO BE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!  Taking sides is a natural inclination, and it is RIGHT...WHEN the side is GOD. There is always THE right way, and that is the way of truth and our Lord...He gave us the rights and wrongs for our guidance, and in THAT we can feel confident. Proverbs 14:26 In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.



One thing that is critical IF healing of anyone is to occur is that there be transparency within the leadership of the congregation.  COMPLETE AND UTTER TRANSPARENCY!!!

What has happened is VERY PUBLIC, and it happened to every man, woman and child in the congregation.  It happened to the FAMILY within, and, as in our earthly families, when something so drastic happens that causes a split TRANSPARENCY is essential!  IF that does not occur, fear, confusion, anger, and every negative emotion that can be imagined will continue to exist. 

The second thing that should happen is the leadership has the task of ministering to each and every soul that lives within that church family THE WAY THAT SOUL NEEDS!  IF an eldership makes a decision that impacts a church family, they need to take responsibility and help each soul impacted the way THAT SOUL NEEDS IT!!
Liken it to a teacher.  A teacher is given the task of teaching each student that they are in charge of, THE WAY THE STUDENT LEARNS!  I was a teacher, and I know the task is not always easy, but those parents expect their child to learn, that school district expects that I will help each child learn, and EACH CHILD deserves a chance to learn and grow...In just the same manner, our leaders within each congregation are responsible for each and every soul within that congregation, and IF a decision they make (which is sometimes the case) results in  a church division, then they have a very heavy responsibility! IF these two things don't occur, it will not be a healing situation for all involved.

SO, what to do when your church splits? FIRST and foremost, PRAY. Pray for the situation, for the individuals at the crux of the matter, for the reactions of everyone, for the leadership; that they handle it GOD'S WAY, for every aspect of the situation. Let God be in the center of any decision you will make. 

CONSIDERATIONS:  The main consideration when you are deciding the right thing to DO in the aftermath of an event is to stand for truth!  IF your leadership is handling things in a Godly way, work with them to be part of the solution to healing.  Let them do what they need to do to heal and help the members move past the event. Help in any way you can!

IF you find yourself in a situation where you feel your leadership is not handling things in a Godly way, or have actually been a part of the problem, you then have a decision to make. YOUR SOUL is under their guidance.  YOU HAVE TO TRUST YOUR ELDERSHIP with your soul.  If you cannot do that, then you may have to make the hard decision to find another congregation with an eldership you can prayerfully and with trust, put yourself under.

A second consideration is how to love the other members of your once whole family congregation.   Think of an earthly family.  When a family splits up you don't stop loving your other family members.  Some may not be walking the way they should, but you still love them!  LOVE THEM!!  Continue to pray for them, with them...Make wise decisions to NOT be a hindrance to healing on either "side" of the split!  Recognize that every soul in the damaged congregation has a Godly right to decide for themselves what they need to do.  Respect their decisions.  We are all still free moral agents.  God set that in motion, and who are we to try to force anything on anyone!  IF we see blatant sin existing in a church family we are still bound by scripture and given clear instruction as to how to handle it...FOLLOW the scripture on any given situation.   

It's horrible to be a part of a church split.  It grieves our Lord to see disunity within His children.  It is sad, but we can find comfort in the fact that God is still here for all of us.  He gives us guidance for every situation we may find ourselves in.  He is our champion!  HE LOVES US ALL!! Find comfort, Love each other, Respect the right things and you will be OK. 

GOD BLESS!